The LFC management team: Looking forward to Marcus’ return to Anfield

So I decided to miss the Week 5 update. I actually did start writing something about how great Berbatov is and how shit Liverpool are but lost the stomach for it after looking at the fantasy league table and noticing that rising Lazarus like from the depths was former league champion, lover of tempura, and self confessed ‘Liverpool fan’ Justin Scanlon; who amassed an impressive 65 points last week. However, this week things seem to have returned to normal with a paltry 16 point return for our very own Spanish tactician who is currently in NYC, on the company dime, doing f**k all!

Note: Our favourite Frenchman also did quite well last week and jumped up into third place. I feel that this deserves a mention as he had a bit of a tantrum about me not providing an update last week. “Oh. I see how it is” harrumphed our Gallic friend “when I am in third place (last week) there is no update, but now that I am down to fifth you are providing an update”. I sense a bit of Wenger-esque paranoia from our current defending champion.

Moving swiftly on…a few other things returned to normal this week. United blew a great chance to catch up with Chelsea after the West London side were made to look pretty ordinary during their 1-0 defeat at the hands of Manchester City. I was hoping for a nasty, ill tempered draw with lots of broken limbs and red cards, but alas City looked very organised (for a change) and I begrudgingly admit that the blues deserved their victory. United on the other hand were anything but organised, Rooney was a passenger, Berbatov was back to being anonymous (with the exception of a ‘nice’ flick or two), and the defence was all over the show. Things could be worse though. In North London on Saturday Arsenal were 3-0 down before mounting a late comeback to bring the score to within a goal. However, a defeat at home, to a newly promoted team, would not have gone down well with the natives.

Anyway, forgetting that nonsense and getting round to the nitty gritty of the Fantasy League.

Still in first place and after a very impressive last two weeks we have Marcus and his Bear & Billet FC on 296 pts. Our intrepid league leader is currently across the pond visiting relatives and stuff so maybe he will neglect his current role as tactician in chief and give the rest of us a chance to catch him up. Close behind him is the surprise package that is Cooch who has accumulated 267.5 points. In third place is moi on 240 points (and after making a couple of transfers this week I am expecting big things this weekend). In fourth place is Jimmy the Greek on 240 points. Just below him is The Frenchman on 231.5 points (WTF are these half points all about?), he is now in FIFTH PLACE and mid table obscurity beckons. Taco Bell FC are in sixth position on 227.5 points. An urgent meeting has been scheduled for tomorrow where the coach will have to explain his starting eleven to the board of directors. Walshie is on 204 points and in seventh. Omar is on 172.5. In ninth position is the wife on 162.5 points. I suggest that she delve into the transfer market before Saturday. I make the same suggestion to Brownie who is in the drop zone on 147 points. Propping up us all is Joe on 98 points; who actually had a really good week accumulating over 50 points. On this form his team will not be bottom for long.

Check out this link. It has a list of injured players and how long they are going to be out. That way you can at least transfer players out that are not accumulating you any points.

For a pictorial representation of the league table, click on the read more link.

More next week (maybe)…

Firstly – apologies for the lack of updates. However, in my defence, I have a number of reasons excuses for my extreme tardiness:

1. I have been away
2. I have started a new job (sort of)
3. I could not be bothered

Anyway, I am back in the zone now; semi focused on the job in hand, and will endeavour to provide you with a coherent update on where we are at with our Fantasy Football League.

Firstly, we welcome a new (albeit late) member to the league. Due to match fixing allegations in Italy the ‘All Stars’ were facing the ignominity of playing their football in the lower leagues. However, after installing Juventus fan Joe Conforti to the helm and greasing a few palms the All Stars have been granted permission to compete in the top flight this season. I predict a tough season for Joe and his team considering four weeks of the season have already gone.

League Standings

1. The Bear & Billet FC, 189 Points: At the top of the table we have Marcus on 189 points, who after a difficult first season (e.g. his team was shit) is setting the early pace. Marcus is seemingly quite talented for a lad from Warrington. Not only can he provide clients with a myriad of change management strategies, and pick a half decent fantasy football team – he is also, according to The Guardian, a dab hand at Astronomy Photography . Hats off to Marcus – not too shabby for a scouser!
2. Cooch 74 FC, 184.5 Points: Coming up close on Marcus` coat tails is another of last season’s underachievers; Cooch is only five points off the pace on 184.5 points and has amassed in four weeks almost as many points as he got for the whole of last season. Well done to the Cooch man.
3. Substandard Liege, 179 Points: In third points and only TEN points from the summit is yours truly. Rooneys absence this weekend was a bit of an issue due to the fact that he is my skipper; however, four goals from defence and midfield got a few points on the board.
4. Meech 1968 FC, 174 Points: Last years runner up is looking good as of right now. I suspect some tinkering may be happening soon though, especially if his errant kerb crawling centre forward keeps firing blanks.
5. Tortelli FC, 162.5 Points: Last years runaway champion is having (by his standards) a bit of a nightmare. But with Chung Yong-Lee and Phil Jones in his side I do not really know what he expected. An urgent board meeting has been called for the coach to explain his decision making. Expect changes to this team soon.
6. March Rd Reds, 136.5 Points: Coming up in 6^th position is our favourite impish Hibernian. Its far too early to write off last years third place side but right now the media is suggesting that he is in a Chilean Miners Liverpool FC esque hole
7. FC Barcelona, 136.5 Points: Unlike the real Barcelona football team, Justin Scanlon`s fantasy team are in fact pretty shit (judging by his score so far). He should be spending his lunchtimes in the transfer market instead of gorging himself on chicken fingers at the Canada Post cafeteria in Ottawa. I have noticed a massive slump in Scanlon`s progress in recent seasons. Once the team to beat, the coaching abilities of our Spanish/Irish/Canadian are now being called into question
8. Domino Tea Bag Society (what does this mean?), 116 Points: Leading the Lebanese charge is Omar. A good week for our nicotine obsessed coach with four goals scored from defence and midfield.
9. Bucking Bulls FC, 112.5 Points: My lovely wife is just outside the drop zone. However in the Bucking Bulls defence; they were a week late in joining the league and are still only 24 points behind FC Barcelona and the March Rd Reds.
10. Bunbury Bombers, 94.5 Points: A team that sound like they would be more at home on the Quidditch pitch are currently languishing in the second to last spot. Its early days for Allen Brown`s team though…
11. All Stars FC, 22.5 Points: In last place we have Joe and his all stars. I bet him three pints of strong beer that he stays in this position all season?

And finally it is time to hand out our first award of the season. It is called the ‘if it aint broke then don’t try to fix it award for crap user interfaces’ this award goes to Emmanuel (and Facebook) for providing us middle aged (ok, not all of us are middle aged) social networkers with a piss poor fantasy league game. I used to like the old ESPN league set up (that we have always used)…I think this one is shit.

More next week…

Hooray for the football season!

So the first games of the new Premier League campaign have come to an end and although I seem to be less excited about the next 9 months than I was last season I am still happy that the 2010/2011 campaign is underway. Anyway, before I start babbling let’s cut to the chase. I will provide a brief Premier League update and then follow that with the Fantasy Update.

Premier League Review

There were no great surprises this weekend. Chelsea, proving that pre-season form counts for nothing, handed WBA their backsides with a typical shock and awe 6-0 victory; with everyone’s favourite Ivorian chipping in with a hat-trick. However much I dislike Chelsea, 47 goals in their last 10 competitive games is an impressive return. Perhaps the result of the day on Saturday though was Blackpool’s 4-0 away hammering of a hapless Wigan. ‘Keep the Faith’ by Bon Jovi was played to an empty JJB stadium as the home players trudged off the pitch and that ‘tune’ would appear apt – this looks like it is going to be a tough season for the pie eaters. That being said; Sombreros aloft to the seasiders!

Rudderless ship Aston Villa murdered West Ham 3-0 with James Milner scoring his last goal for the Midlands club (who are apparently thinking about Maradona as Martin O’Neill’s replacement). The plukey faced Milner has finally joined those other mercenaries at Manchester City today – with Stephen Ireland going in the opposite direction. Talking about citeh; they went to North London on Saturday, were shit, and drew 0-0 with Tottenham. Carlos Tevez, who incidentally cannot speak English, has been named captain (which makes sense!) and the club have just sacked Craig Bellamy – who has now dropped a division to play at his home town club Cardiff City.

On Sunday Liverpool took on Arsenal in the first ‘Super Sunday’ of the season. Joe Cole made his debut and was promptly (and correctly) sent off for a potentially leg breaking challenge on Arsenals French centre half Laurent Koscielny. Cole was said to be “devastated” after the match, however, the jury is out on whether that was due to the early bath or the fact that Liverpool were a better team without him. Liverpool played well in the second half and probably deserved the 3 points, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t grinning from ear to ear when Reina dropped that bollock right at the end of the match. As a side note: the thing that really got my goat during this game was all this nonsense from commentators and pundits about how Cole ‘isn’t a dirty player’ and that because he ‘isn’t a dirty player’ that he should not have been sent off. That makes no f**king sense at all!

Fast forward to Monday night and United take on Newcastle at Old Trafford. United played well (particularly Scholes and Berbatov) and probably should have won by more than 3 goals to 0, however, United are not the best of starters in the league so 3 points on the opening game against a willing but limited opponent will be a good confidence booster for the team. Unsurprisingly much has been made from the media on Wayne Rooneys performance last night but I for one really do not understand the column inches dedicated to a player that failed to score on his FIRST game of the season. Unlike Fleet Street I am of the opinion that Wayne Rooney has not become a shit player over the course of one summer.

Fantasy League Review

Anyway; moving on to more important matters – The fourth ‘Premiershipola’ Fantasy League season kicked off in earnest this morning when our league website finally updated with the scores from the weekends matches. (If anybody cares) A guide to the players/teams involved can be found here.

League Table:

1. The Bull: Points: 71.5 - Rushing out of the starting blocks to the top of the table is The Bull who amassed 71.5 points this weekend despite having a couple of non combatants in his starting eleven. Frank Lampard was the highest scorer for the team with 18 points but a back four (and goalkeeper) that kept a clean sheet also helped bring in a lot of welcome points. The coach of the side recently lost patience with Liverpool bench warmer Alberto Aquilani and transferred him out, replacing him with Chelsea’s Michael Essien – who is expected to do a job in midfield. On the negative side The Bulls team was a bit impotent up front with only a 6 point return from his two strikers.
2. The Greek: Points: 62 – Close by in second place is Jimmy the Greek. A brace from midfield by Chelsea player Florent Malouda provided him with 14 points and his goalkeeper Edwin Van Der Sar chipped in with a further 9 points for his clean sheet against Newcastle. Unfortunately for The Greek, his side was also toothless upfront and his pairing of Hernandez and Rooney only gave him 9 points.
3. The Scouser: Points: 57 – 5 points behind Jimmy is The Scouser who would have had a pretty poor week if Didier Drogba hadn’t decided to score a hat trick and provide him with 28 points. A source close to the manager stated that an overhaul of the team was in the pipeline…
4. The Italian: Points: 46 – It may have gone better for The Italian if he had remembered that Ricardo Carvalho had moved to Real Madrid – maybe he will get his act together and transfer him out before the end of the season
5. The Frenchman: Points 44.5 – Not a good week (by his high standards) for the Frenchman but it has to be said that his team is pretty shit (on paper). Stephen Hunt and Phil Jones are not players that are going to win him the league this season. Too much hanging around in cafes drinking coffee and not enough time spent on his team would be my guess for The Frenchman’s slow start. According to The Frenchman “As Wenger would, I will state that I am very happy with my club, will make one or two changes but very happy, was very unfortunate to see two of my key players not start…but expecting big things from them…I am shocked that I actually took Rooney over Drogba this year, first time in 3 years, no idea why..will see how that plays out…” Expect a huge overhaul from the Frenchman in the near future…
6. The Mexican: Points 44.5 – The Mexican seems to have a half decent side on paper, albeit a bit latin and injury prone, however I am sure he was dribbling plum sauce all over himself when he saw his league position this morning.
7. The Irishman: Points: 34.5 – Continuing his trend as a late bloomer (he rose phoenix like last season from bottom to top in two months) our impish little Irish friend has gotten off to a slow start – although not as slow as others! His decision to stick two West Ham players in his defence seems hopeful and Joe Coles sending off (and subsequent 3 match ban) will not help the cause.
8. The Leb (formerly known as the Serial killer): Points: 0 – Have no idea what happened here but his team look pretty good on paper. Must have joined the league late…looks bad already for our Lebanese participant
9. The Wife: Points 0: Joined late
10. The Doctor: Points 0: Joined late

League update will come around the same time next week…

Cheers.

The brain trust of fantasy football…from left to right: The Frenchman, The Scouser, The Wife, The Italian, The Serial Killer, The Spaniard, Irishman, Canadian, Mexican, The Greek, The Irishman (not pictured: The Doctor, and yours truly)

I get quite serious during my annual foray into the realms of my fantasy football league and have decided that as I am lacking in motivation (of late) on the old blogosphere front then I am taking it upon myself to inflict on the world weekly updates on the progress of my fantasy league. That way I can still talk about football and am presented with a great opportunity to give friends and acquaintances a good old fashioned slagging.

Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce you to the competitors:

The Frenchman

• Team Name: Tortelli FC
  
• Last Seasons League Position: Champions
  
• Favourite Team: Arsenal
  
• Useless info: Like his countryman and hero Arsene Wenger our current champion has a keen analytical brain and a penchant for young ‘fancy dan’ football players. Not too sure about his inclusion of Stephen Hunt this year though
  

   

  The Scouser
  

• Team Name: The Bear and Billet
  
• Last Seasons League Position: Second from Bottom (Note: last season’s last place team has spat out his dummy and will not be participating in the 2010/2011 campaign)
  
• Favourite Team: Liverpool
  
• Useless info: Communications expert with much to do if he is to improve on last year’s disastrous campaign. FYI – The Scouser is a sausage maker in his spare time
  

   

  The Wife
  

• Team Name: The Bucking Bulls FC
  
• Last Seasons League Position: N/A
  
• Favourite Team: The Toronto Maple Leafs Manchester United
  
• Useless Info: Works too hard, knows nothing about football, loves her dog far too much – favourite player is Ji Sung Park
  

   

  The Serial Killer (he isn’t really a serial killer)
  

• Team Name: FC Domino Tea Bag Society
  
• Last Seasons League Position: Sixth
  
• Favourite Team: Spurs
  
• Useless Info: Lover of whiskey and women – needs to do better this season. A good start would be submitting his team so it can start accumulating points!
  

   

  The Mexican
  

• Team Name: FC Barcelona AKA Taco Bell FC
  
• Last Seasons League Position: Fifth
  
• Favourite Team: Barcelona
  
• Useless Info: League winner for two campaigns on the trot (until last season) – loves tempura and chicken fingers from the Canada Post cafeteria, also knows nothing about football (whilst claiming to be a football genius) – although we all like The Mexican, for some reason he always cops for the most flak
  

   

  The Greek
  

• Team Name: FC Meech
  
• Last Seasons League Position: Second
  
• Favourite Team: Manchester United
  
• Useless Info: Lover of the Onion Booty, Movies (including pornography), music, and whiskey – The Greek was quite comfortable in second place last year
  

   

  The Italian
  

• Team Name: FC Cooch
  
• Last Seasons League Position: Sixth
  
• Favourite Team: Liverpool
  
• Useless Info: IBM employee and Ottawa dweller – The Cooch man does not say much but will be hoping for a higher return this season
  

   

  The Irishman
  

• Team Name: March Rd Reds
  
• Last Seasons League Position: Third
  
• Favourite Team: Liverpool
  
• Useless Info: The wee fella did well to finish in third place in the last campaign. He is a Liverpool fan though and therefore the enemy of all decent civilised people
  

   

  The Bull
  

• Team Name: Substandard Liege
  
• Last Seasons League Position: Fourth
  
• Favourite Team: Manchester United
  
• Useless Info: Unemployable couch potato who really needs to get a grip…
  

   

  The Doctor
  

• Team Name: Bunbury Bombers
  
• Last Seasons League Position: Seventh
  
• Favourite Team: Fulham
  
• Useless Info: Being intelligent does not a good football manager make

Franks ipod…worth $1000?

I do not like the preseason much – hence the lack of posts of late. But I am getting back in the saddle now for the new season and what better way to start than by giving Frank Lampard a good old fashioned slagging. By way of some background; our Frank has seemingly learnt nothing from the 2006 World Cup, where he used the competition as a launch pad for his biography – ‘Totally Frank’ (which sold about 13 copies). If memory serves, this prompted a bit of a media backlash at the time and even some footballers piped up with their thoughts on the matter. Now he may be a nasty piece of work but it would seem that Joey Barton is also a rather astute social commentator; when pressed for a reaction to several England players launching books [in the aftermath of the competition in Germany], Barton accused the players of “cashing in” on the England teams popularity “I had a crap World Cup, buy my book” deadpanned the scouse midfielder.

Anyway; it would seem that the cleverest English footballer in the current squad™ is at it again. I was reading The Guardian this morning and apparently Frank and a company named Goldgenie launched these gold plated iPods bearing Lampards signature and were flogging them for £599 each (that’s $964 Canadian!). To cut a long story short, due to England playing gash there was no demand for the devices and nobody bought them. Goldgenie are now melting down five thousand of the unsold iPods and are rebranding them with the cartoon character Hello Kitty.

“We may have over-ordered due to World Cup hopes, but that’s no reflection on Frank’s popularity.” Stated a Goldgenie spokesman.

Am I missing something here? Of course it’s a f**king reflection on his popularity. I had a crap World Cup, buy my iPod! Frank Lampard, a fine player he may be, really is a bit of a twat.

Portsmouth FC: So who’s going in goal then?

The picture above (taken from their official website) shows Portsmouth FC’s current playing staff – all fourteen of them. Have you noticed something missing? Yep…no goalie! The Championship season kicks off a week on Saturday and the club are expecting to lose at least three more players before the season starts. Things are so bad that they currently have on trial a goalkeeper that had already been let go (by the club) for not being good enough.

To make matters worse, the club endured probably the worst North American preseason tour of all time recently: Lost bags, long delays, playing in other team’s kits , injuries, and a good old fashioned spanking from DC United all helped to turn this trip into a nightmare.

Incidentally, bookmakers have Pompey as third favourites for the drop down to the old third division this season.

I got to see the European Cup final in 1999 for less than the cheapest seat at this game

“What do you mean the games not sold out? We always sell out” stated an incredulous Cockney Red in the pub late on Thursday night. However, as legendary Eurovision Song Contest winners Bucks Fizz said ‘the camera never lies’ and that picture above confirms that the game on Friday night was massively undersubscribed. But with tickets starting at $90 and going up to an astronomical $190 I really cannot blame local ‘neutrals’ for giving this game a body swerve.

I managed to get my hands on a couple of complimentary tickets from the club – many thanks to Messrs Pubby, Ball, and Ferguson for facilitating this for me – and picked them up from a group of United fans who had travelled over for the game from the UK. My wife and I met them at their hotel on Thursday night and after sitting by the lake (drinking) for a few hours we took them to a couple of bars. After far too many beers the wife and I left the jetlagged collective and headed home.

On Friday afternoon, I met my mate Jimmy the Greek and we strolled down King Street to the nearest pub to have a heart starter. It was at this point that we met Celtic fan Frank (AKA the Holy Postie). Like most Scotsmen on their way to a football game, Frank was absolutely steaming; he had travelled to Canada on his own from Coatbridge and was dressed in the full Celtic away strip – including socks pulled up to his knees. He ended up talking to me; after all, I was the only punter in the bar who could understand him, and asked if I could point him in the direction of the ground. When I told him that there were over three hours to kick off and that there were not that many bars around the Sky Dome he decided to ask if he could tag along with us…which was nice.

After going to a couple of bars and listening to Frank’s opinions on protestants (doesn’t like them), Rangers fans (hates them), Man Utd fans (not that keen), the price of beer in Canada (far too expensive), the weather (too hot), and Celtic (the best team ever) we somehow managed to lose him in the crowd in some pub and he stumbled off (looking decidedly worse for wear) in the general direction of the ground. After a few more pints of happiness facilitator Jimmy and I met up with my wife and our mutual friend Mike and made our way to the ground.

As a side note; I was told to be on my best behaviour at the ground as I had been given tickets by the club but about half way through the first half I had to have a word with a drunken Celtic fan sat in front of me who was getting a bit giddy. I don’t understand people that get all excited about pre season friendlies, especially little Glaswegian fellas that insist on talking complete bollocks, you would have thought this bloke was watching the European Cup Final instead of a 90 minute stroll around a baseball pitch. However, he wasn’t the only one; there were a few other clowns in the crowd. The Man Utd fan behind me was particularly irritating, especially when he started singing songs that he had obviously made up himself, he also had in his possession a Vevezula which made him particularly irksome.

The game itself was quite entertaining. United were the dominant team for most of the 90 minutes and barring a 10 minute spell of Celtic pressure in the second half ran out deserved winners. Berbatov in particular looked very sharp, albeit a bit dodgy with his new haircut and tattoos. However, he was the stand out player in the game – he even ran around a lot…which was odd. Smalling looked lanky and young but did ok. In fact, given that the game was played at quite a slow pace on a hot summers evening everybody looked pretty good. Even George Samaras looked threatening.

Noel Gallagher: a complete c**t

Ex Oasis guitarist (& Cro-Magnon man in chief) Noel Gallagher revealed to the Manchester Evening News that he is privy to Man City’s summer acquisition targets and that the players that are earmarked for a career stuttering move to the ‘blue camp’ have “blew his mind”.

Gallagher met a fellow c**t – City’s chief exec Garry Cook – for lunch in South Africa during the World Cup and revealed:

“I just had a big, long lunch with Garry [Cook] and the revelations you lot are going to hear in the next month are going to blow your mind – but I can’t say anything.”

Apparently Gallagher admitted that neither Messi nor Ronaldo will be wearing blue shirts next season but apparently clammed up when questioned if Fernando Torres was on Cook’s wanted list.

“Garry was writing out these names on a napkin, about who was going to be in the squad. Put it down on paper, and the 24-man squad we will have will be looking to win everything next season.” Boasted the clearly delusional blue twat…

“That’s not being big-headed and saying we are going to win everything, but we have to go into it thinking ‘Who is better than us in the league?’ Chelsea have more experience and United have more in Alex Ferguson, but other than that I am looking at the names there and being blown away, thinking that we are rightly third favourites to win the league.”

Lets hope not…

As a general rule I am not that fond of ‘footballisms’ and this latest one being bandied about is particularly irksome. The term ‘anti football’ has been around for ages but has been used frequently in the aftermath of yet another boring as f**k World Cup final. I am aware that Holland were a bit cynical in their application of the ‘beautiful game’ on Sunday and that the Dutch players/officials/media have been somewhat ungallant in defeat; blaming everything and everybody but for some reason ignoring the fact that the team played gash. Laying the blame at referee Howard Webb’s door is particularly perplexing. I am no fan of ‘Webbo’ but he was in an impossible situation on Sunday, send players off then he gets slagged off for ruining the game, doesn’t send players off then he gets slagged off for being too lenient. However, only Webb knows why he didn’t send off Nigel de Jong for this assault.

Anyway – getting back to anti football. It was the World Cup final, where two teams who have never won it before were pitted against each other. What did everybody expect? From where I was standing (in a pub drinking strong German lager) the game was about as bad as I expected it to be. The Dutch are not as good as the Spanish (and they knew it) so they went out to disrupt the Iberians passing game. Is that a bad tactic? I do not think so, especially when you consider that only a great lucky save from Iker Casillas prevented the Dutch from taking the trophy back to Amsterdam late on in normal time. And yes, that would have been a travesty, but that’s football folks.